I’ve ranked French fries by type so you don’t have to

Yep, I said it: «Skinny fries are the best fries.» Much to the horror of my podcast co-host Judith. In the latest episode of our Swiss-German food and drink podcast «Uftischt», my revelation left her feeling downright shocked.

You can listen to that part of the conversation (in Swiss German) from 11:08 onwards.

So without further ado (or anybody asking for it), here’s my personal, indisputable French fries league table.

The best kind of fries

1. French-style skinny fries

The French know their stuff. Matchstick fries are the perfect side dish: unassuming, with an appearance that suggests lightness. Spurning mayonnaise or even ketchup, they feel most comfortable in a buttery steak sauce or demi-glace. As a result, they’re an ideal accompaniment. Making the fries is an art in itself; the delicate sticks are hand-cut into evenly sized, «julienne» shapes. When frying, the chef has to be ultra careful not to let the delicate fries clump together. If they’ve been made well, skinny fries are unparalleled.

2. The kind you get at the pool

These pre-cooked, frozen fries from your childhood are an absolute classic. Every swimming pool does them the same way, chucking frozen, supermarket own-brand fries into a deep fryer. The thing that makes each pool’s version unique is the seasoning. I’ve seen everything from purist, salt-only varieties to homemade seasoning mixes. Bonus points go to snack bars where you can help yourself to as much mayo as you like from a dispenser. Naturally, it’s all got to be served up on one of these bad boys:

Disposable tableware

CHF23.70

Ejs French fries bowl

250 x

1

Disposable tableware

CHF23.70

Ejs French fries bowl

250 x

1

3. Belgian style

It’s rare to get your hands on these fries. And when you do, it’s usually at a super overpriced festival food truck. Belgian fries are cut from the Bintje, a Dutch potato variety. They’re sliced a little thicker than their French counterparts, then washed and deep-fried several times. In this country, they unfortunately tend to be served vegan-style. The original version, however, is fried in beef or horse fat (article in German). Ketchup thankfully never gets near these fries. Instead, they’re served with mayonnaise, tartar sauce or sauce andalouse (mayonnaise with tomato puree and peppers).

Cold sauces + dips

Quantity discount

CHF3.60 per piece for 4 units CHF20.–/1kg

Hugo Reitzel Mayonnaise

180 g

5

Cold sauces + dips

Quantity discount

CHF4.70 per piece for 4 units CHF14.69/1kg

THOMY Tartare Sauce Squeeze

320 g

Cold sauces + dips

Quantity discount

CHF6.05 per piece for 3 units CHF13.15/1kg

Heinz Andalouse

460 g

Quantity discount

Cold sauces + dips

CHF3.60 per piece for 4 units CHF20.–/1kg

Hugo Reitzel Mayonnaise

180 g

5

Quantity discount

Cold sauces + dips

CHF4.70 per piece for 4 units CHF14.69/1kg

THOMY Tartare Sauce Squeeze

320 g

Quantity discount

Cold sauces + dips

CHF6.05 per piece for 3 units CHF13.15/1kg

Heinz Andalouse

460 g

4. Chunky chips

Though similar in size to Belgian fries, British chips are slightly less crispy as they’re not double-fried. A non-issue in my book, seeing as they’re served with traditional malt vinegar and not mayonnaise. And that’s exactly their appeal. Rather than being crispy, they’re slightly acidic and soft. Classic pub grub.

5. Boozy fries

These are the fries you wolf down at 2 a.m. The ones from McDonald’s are amazing, as are the ones from Burger King. My one issue is the almost Pavlovian guilt response I feel upon eating them. I usually end up with a few fries left over, which I’ll risk trying the following morning, only to discover how unbelievably crappy cold fries taste. Even so, it’s enough to earn them fifth place.

Fries I wouldn’t eat under any circumstances

1. Country cuts or wedges

Country cuts are like the musician Kid Rock – a relic of the noughties that’s unfortunately found its way into the present day. Wedge-shaped fries are never perfect. They’re either under-fried and soggy or dry as dust. Not only that, but they’re over-seasoned with garlic powder and other filth. Who’d want such a thing?

2. Sweet potato fries

I wouldn’t count sweet potatoes among my favourite veggies. Still, it seems perfectly reasonable that deep-frying them would make them enjoyable. After all, deep-frying makes anything better. Except sweet potatoes, apparently. All these fries do is absorb grease while remaining floury. Truly dire.

3. Loaded truffle fries (or any other type of loaded fries for that matter)

Fries covered in artificial truffle flavouring taste appalling. Using fresh truffle doesn’t improve matters. And I’d say exactly the same thing about bacon, jalapeños or melted cheese. Not only are loaded fries impossible to eat with your hands, but the poor-quality ingredients turn an acceptable snack into a jarring cacophony of flavours.

4. Crinkly and curly fries

If you ask me, fries cut in novelty shapes are an abomination What’s wrong with the classic stick shape? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. There’s simply no need for crinkle-cut fries. Or curly ones.

Graters

CHF11.95

PhoneLook Chips Ultimate

3

Graters

CHF11.95

PhoneLook Chips Ultimate

3

5. Any fries with ketchup

The only sauces with any business being on a plate of fries are mayonnaise- or vinegar-based. Ketchup is a definite no-no. So-called red-white fries, which come with ketchup and mayonnaise, are borderline. In my opinion, not mixing the two sauces together is questionable at best. The only place I like ketchup, if at all, is on a burger. But definitely not on fries – I’m a purist in that regard.

So, that’s my ranking of the best and worst types of fries. What kind do you like best?

Let me know in the comments and subscribe to our «Uftischt» podcast for more silly discussions on the world of food. It’s the best topic there is, after all.

Click here to listen to «Uftischt» on Spotify or here to subscribe to it in the app you use.